The Pursuit of Happiness

The Comedian asked me last night

"If you could have the ideal life right now what would it be? What would you change?"

I thought about it and my response was simple. I might change my job and maybe add a couple people to my life but other than that, I'm pretty content in my life how it is, I wouldn't change anything. Here's my philosophy on that whole thing. I've come to the understanding that I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing to learn what I'm suppose to learn at this point in my life. Wishing I had more money or a different car or a bigger house doesn't make me happy. Being happy with what I have and who I have in my life makes me happy.

I've never been about money, maybe cause I never grew up with it... when I moved to Texas my mother worked 3 jobs to support my sister and I. We lived with my Uncle for years after my father decided to jump ship and until my mom met my step-dad she struggled and we lived simple. In fact, I've always lived simply. I wore shoes from Payless, clothes from Wal-mart and JC Penny and I was ok with it until the kids at school made fun of me for it which is why I have a tendency to cringe when people think that money is everything. Yes, we eventually moved into a nice house and had nicer things but my mother never let that change my point of view on things. I don't look down on those who don't have money nor do I look up to those who do.

We are all put in situations at the exact moment that we should be so that we learn the lessons we are suppose to. It's up to us to decide whether we are happy with what we are given or whether we fight to change the course of our lives.

I will never be dissatisfied with the things that I have worked for but I will never be completely content because there are always better opportunities along the way we just have to choose the one that we think is best for this particular time in our lives.

In case you were wondering...

I've never been in love with anyone, ever. I haven't cried over someone in 3 years b/c after that relationship I put my heart away where no one could reach it. When I say I don't care, I really don't. I don't understand people with co-dependency issues. I don't understand people who have a fear of commitment (me). I'm afraid that I will be alone forever because I refuse to open up to anyone.

I'm tired of people I date going back to their ex-girlfriends. I'm tired of being "that" girl.

I'm smarter and more talented than my boss but I don't leave my job b/c I don't want to start over somewhere else.

I keep myself as busy as I am b/c I don't ever want to feel lonely.

I'm afraid of the dark. I love the rain. I love water. I'm good at lying. I'm obsessed with sneakers.

Somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit

The Comedian is slightly M.I.A at this point. We chat casually now, I don't feel anything from him anymore which should tell me that it's probably best to drop it and move on however I'm just not sure I even care enough to do that. He told me to call him last night again when I was on my way to rehearsal so I did and he didn't answer and he never called back. Then I even went out of my norm and sent him a "Good Morning" text message. No reply.

Somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit. Maybe it's because I know guys like him, maybe it's because I know guys like him never really want anything serious or committal, which is fine because I knew that going in but I guess a little tiny part of me wanted to be able to finally find someone I could trust, talk to and spend time with. I also should've known that it probably wouldn't work when he couldn't understand my dance stuff and makes fun of the fact that I'm a b-girl. I get it that it's not the norm of the average white girl, or any girl for that matter but I don't judge him b/c his parents still handle his finances or the fact that he doesn't have money or that he's OCD because I've never been one to judge people for anything.

Apparently I have a penis...

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesnt believe, and leaves before she is left. - Marylin Monroe

On so many levels this is true. While watching football and discussing relationships last night with some friends I had my friend tell me I had a penis because I think like a man when it comes to relationships and frankly, I do. I won't deny that fact. It's because I'm logical, not emotional. Rational, not bi-polar. But why is it that girls are characterized by emotion, irrationality and craziness and men are considered the logical ones?

Here's the deal. I have worked my ass off to have the things that I have and the things that I do. I have never needed a man to help me with any of it so why should I depend on one now?? Why does my "I can do it myself" attitude mean that I think like a man. I don't believe that just because I'm dating someone we are "together" unless there is an acutal conversation that occurs, which I by the way will never initiate. I just don't care honestly. I haven't put emotion into a relationship in 3 or 4 years. I just don't see the point. If it's going to end anyway then I'd rather it end w/o me having to cry to friends and question what I did wrong. I know I kick ass and someone who actually wants to be with me will understand that I'm not emotional and I'm always busy and they will always come second to my dance stuff.

I shouldn't have to make excuses for myself and why I want to travel the world BEFORE I get married (if ever) or have kids (if ever). And I HATE it when people tell me I'm bitter or jaded. No, I'm not. I just know what I want out of life and I know that I can provide it for myself instead of waiting on someone who can provide it for me...why is that so difficult for people to understand.

The Comedian is starting to show some signs of improvement but i'm still iffy about the whole situation. I don't really trust him still and it'll probably take a while for me to trust him. We don't have a committiment to each other and I've been doing my thing too so I probably won't feel secure in anything that we have until he has "THAT" conversation with me and even then, I'm not sure what I'll say. We have certain agreements which we both respect but other than that, we're both free and have no obligations to each other. AND these are HIS words so why would I think or act any different that what HE said from day one...

All this because my friend told me I have a penis b/c I think like a man...

Sometimes I want to punch people... in the face.

You ever have one of those days where you just feel like pretending you don't have a filter on your mouth??

So I was coming back from lunch yesterday and I always take the stairs cause, hey, it's one effing flight...why not..

Apparently the fat chick walking up the stairs in front of me with her double-double, french fries and frostie from Wendy's wasn't in the mood to be a considerate person cause she didn't hold either door for me even though I was at that length behind her where it would have made sense to just hold the door. And what I wanted to say was "If your arm's to heavy to hold up long enough to hold the door for someone you could just use your ass, it's big enough to hold off a Mack truck." Yes, I know that for so many reasons this is wrong but what the deuce happpened to being nice to each other. Does it really take that much effort to hold open a door or say thank you or smile at someone when you pass them on the street? Gimme and effing break.

Sometimes I just want to punch people...in the face.

This is what's wrong with our society. Somewhere along the way we stopped giving a shit about our fellow man. The amazing part about it all is that for a short time after 9/11 we were all about each other... helping those in need, caring for those who lost people, going out of our way to "Stand Together" as a country and somehow years later we are back into our usual ways. Why is it that it takes us as a country
losing 2 major NY structures, thousands of people dying and a threat on U.S. soil for us to stand together as one? OH! And don't get me started on the whole "freedom fries" thing. Jezus effing Christo. Seriously, how immature are we.

"You know what France! Since you didn't side with us on the war we are no longer going to acknowledge that you exist as a country. Anything that has the word France, French or anything of the sort will now be "freedom."
Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast, etc." Seriously, are we all still in fucking middle school?

One. Fries are actually more of a Belgian creation than a French one so there goes stupid mistake number one. Two. The French don't give a shit. They hate us anyway. I'm sure when they heard that we weren't going to use their country as a name for anything they all said something like this "Finally. Shit. We've been waiting for this day."

Get off your effing high horse. You aren't better than anyone else, no matter what you think. We all breath the same air. We all live in the same country.

Sometimes I want to punch people...in the face.

Horoscope Scmoroscope

Play it cool today, even if you're going nuts inside. Don't let on for a minute you're crazy about this person -- clinginess turns them off. Allow things to play out naturally. They'll come around, then watch the sparks fly.

So the closer I get to "relationship" status with The Comedian the more I want to turn and run the other way as if I were the only smart person in any Jason/Freddie movie. You know, cause all the stupid ones die...I don't want to die. Plus, who actually keeps their heels on when they're running from a killer. Not me. I'll tell ya that. Both are getting thrown at the ax wielding murderer.

This is why I am not like most girls. I don't really want a relationship. Sure I like the companionship, don't get me wrong, The Comedian makes me laugh more than any guy I've ever met but it's the simple fact that being in a relationship comes with certain responsibilites that I just don't know if I'm ready for. I'm bad at relationships. Really. Really. Bad. As in "don't tell me what to do." bad. I think it's that whole, I'm done dating other people for the remainder of this relationship thing that freaks me out. And, I know that if you really like someone you should be ok with those things but I think I get a case of what I like to call the "Relationship-er's remorse." Similar to Buyers Remorse, minus the actual exchange of money, unless your relationship involves monetary exchanges and at that point you're either a prostitute or a mail order bride.

So yeah, Relationship-er's remorse. The excitment of the research on your new "product", the commitment to buying it and then the feelings of what the hell did I just do after you get it home and realize that you actually wanted it in green, not fuschia. I know it's silly but that's what goes on in my head. And then there's a fear that someone else will see your purchase and want it from you and steal it from you. Irrational? Yes. I never denied that I'm slightly irrational at times.

Another time, another place

So The Comedian and I hung out last night and despite how much I don't want to like him, we have a great time when we hang out which is why he's "The comedian."

Things are going, well... slow. Which I am all for because frankly, I don't trust him much. We got into a conversation about high school (which I hated) and reunions (which I'm not going to) and then somehow it moved to conversations about where I'm from (Indiana) and why we moved here (I was 8, and unless I wanted to live on the streets it was cowboy boots and horses for me). For someone who doesn't really want to be in a relationship he sure is asking intimate questions about my life. I realize that there's a phase where you get to know each other however it's limited to simple questions such as "What are your parents names" "Do you have any siblings" "What's your favorite color" "Ice Cream or gelato"... You get the idea. Delving into my private life is not a privilege I give to people that are just in my life for the time being. It gives you too much insight to my life which gives you too much leverage on my life.

We then get into why I didn't like high school and he vows that he will find a pic of me in high school... the only pics I have of me in HS are in the yearbook AND at my parents house. To which he replies "3 months"... wtf? 3 months what?? Unless we're talking about the gestation period for leopards I have no idea to what you are referring... Meeting my parents is not in the schedule of our relationship. In fact. We don't have a schedule therefore please stop planning or scheming or whatever it is that he's doing.

Our "relationship" consists of watching Family Guy, making really off-the-wall jokes, talking about work and other life things and sex. That's it.

Apple Sauce and Ham

Ok, so the title has nothing to do with the post but it's what came to mind... considering I'm wearing my helmet and velcro shoes today be glad it even makes slight sense.

So an update on The Comedian: He called. This past Saturday as I'm eating (at 11:30 pm) with Ash my phone rings, and it's him. So I answer, and after the how are you's I get, "well, give me a call later I guess" You guess? Ok, I'll put that on my "things I'd really like to do" list right next to Root Canal.

Then I get a text at 2am which states "I'd really like to talk to you. Call me when you have a chance to talk" After a few text exchanges later I tell him I'll call him tomorrow. Well we agree to speak Sunday night. Mind you I haven't talked to him since Wed and frankly never planned on talking to him again but I agreed to hear what he had to say. Long story short he had a "moment of clarity" which I will spare you the details because I want to spare ME the details.

MOMENT OF CLARITY!!??

You mean you realized the big deal you made earlier isn't really a big deal? Cool, thanks for letting me know. He also asked me if he hadn't of called if I would have. Let me think about that one...I'm gonna go with no... Not only No but Never in a million years, no. So now we're back in the Non-Dating, Dating phase...back in Limbo. Again. Yay. Excuse me while I don my party hat and kazoo and dance around the living room... So back to square one with The Comedian. That's ok, I still have The Foreign Lover and The Firefighter but that's a different post. If I could just get The Foreign Lover to show some interest back I'd be golden...maybe I just need to get a great tan and become exotic, I'll work on it.

Oh and on top of that I ran into some people I went to high school with and one of them preceded to call me a "Late Bloomer." Which was just his way of saying "Wow, you look great, I haven't seen you in 10 years and look at me, I'm a fat cow." Effing bastards.

I'm out!

In-Limbo, Dating and the After-Life

So after having a few days to ponder the situation with The Comedian I've decided that although it was a little presumtious of me to assume that he should've returned my called out of respect, the "being in the "In-Limbo" stage" entitles him NOT to have that obligation. However, I will revert back to the word. Respect. This is a simple 7-letter word that even has it's own song (Hats off to you Ms Aretha Franklin!). Now whether we demand it or expect it is a different story.

This In-Limbo phase will forever get us girls in trouble. I, in no way, was expecting a relationship out of The Comedian however I do demand a little bit of consideration considering I was making a call that HE asked me to make...only seems slightly unfair and a little rude that he got mad at me for being short because he never returned it... Kind of Alanis Morrisette irony don't ya say?

This is the part of Non-Dating, Dating delimma. At what point in this phase can we expect that people do what they say or call us out of consideration? One week? One month? 3 sleep-overs later? I will be the first to admit that I hate "the talk", you know, the one where you establish what both parties are looking for, where the relationship is going and what you think about each other. In fact, the thought of that talk makes me want to crawl under my desk in hopes that he won't know I'm here. Not because I don't want to know what the other person has to say but because I despise talking about my feelings. I just want someone to automatically know that although I like you it's highly likely that this will not last because I have a fear of committment so great that it's suprising I wear the same shirt all day. I'm not very good with emotions. As in I haven't cried over a boy in YEARS. But don't cry for me Argentina, I'm ok with this. No need to plan the pity party venue for me, I've actually had a chance to figure out who I am and what I want out of life which is why it doesn't really bother me that The Comedian probably won't call next week as he said he would.

I'm just looking for someone who thinks it's just considerate to return a phone call, or a text message, hell... I'll even take a noogie...

Welcome to 2008, it'll be a doozy

So my 2008 began with a day of trying to piece together what happened the night before. The definite are as follows: Too much alcohol, a lost purse, no shoes and sleeping on the cushions of a pull out sofa, the rest I'm leaving to hear se...

This I also learned, you should always follow your gut when it comes to men and relationships... Even though your head or heart may tell you something women have an innate ability to know in their gut when something isn't right, we just usually are too stubborn to listen to it.
After "hanging out" with someone for the past couple of weeks I've learned that no matter how much you try to hide them, feelings come out when you least expect them or want them to. But then again, it all happens for a reason. One word: NEXT

I've never been a huge fan of New Years Resolutions however seeing as how this year began with such a bang I'll create some for kicks:

1) Know when to walk away from situations that aren't working. Whether it be relationships, work or friendships.

2) Spend more time travelling and being the best me that I can possibly be. On a side note, I need a travel partner, let me know if you're interested

3) Spend time with people that make me happy and laugh

4) Spend more time with my puppies since they love me regardless of whether I have a mild lapse in judgement in a drunken stupor and say stupid things.