Aaliyah was kind of right

Age ain't nothing but a number... unless the two numbers are on different planets. I've never been one to really worry about an age difference but it has played a HUGE part in a couple of relationships I've had. One was where they guy was 3 years younger than me and the other was where the guy was 10 years older than me. Neither worked because we were on different pages, scratch that, different books...and it's OK because I learned something from both of them but we just weren't right... 3 years isn't that big of a difference unless you are mid 20's and your younger counter part is JUST now experiencing the life of partying and groupies. The 10 year difference was the same issue but he wanted something I couldn't give him at the age of 25, I wasn't ready to settle down and play the role.

I'm now with someone who is 5 years younger than me and the same fears about age haunt me again. By no means is he like the ex but I still worry that I will hold him back from learning who he is. I learned a lot about who I am the last 5 years and I don't want to be responsible for keeping him from that... I don't want it to affect our relationship but then again I don't want to get down the road only to find that this isn't what he wants. I just feel that I'm too old to be wasting time on relationships that have no future or people that I don't care about. This is why I've been single for so long.

It's just never been worth the effort I guess. He's absolutely amazing. Gorgeous, funny, caring, sweet...he has an amazing smile and his kisses weaken my knees. My heart skips a beat when I think about him and he's more than I could ever ask for...so what's the problem you ask...

Yes, maybe I'm being paranoid and irrational but this is what being single for years does to you... Am I wrong for thinking like this or at least worrying about it?

Maybe my fears are unwarranted but they are still there and they are valid no matter what he says to reassure me. I'm not ready for marriage/kids by any stretch of the imagination but he's REALLY not ready for any of it.

It's official - Facebook said so...

I like how Facebook confirms your relationship… Thank you Facebook for allowing confirmation of my relationship to said individual. Without you I would be totally lost in the abyss of relationship confusion.

Seriously though...?? Really?

I finally got some work done on my house with the help of the rents and the brother-in-law. Put up base boards in the living room, painted the mantle and cleaned out the chimney flue and put up a shelf, etc... So after a trip to Home Depot, another trip to Lowes, multiple 45 degree angle cuts, discovering an extremly dead bird in my chimney, it feels like a home even though I've been there for 2 years. I'm lazy, and I don't have the tools (or knowledge) to do most of it... that's what dads and brother-in-laws are for, right?

The new boy, we'll call him Captain Awesome, came over yesterday as well. I'll give him hella props though. One for wanting to meet my parents. Two for wanting to do it after a nasty motobike wreck on Saturday afternoon that left him with a broken helmet, concussion and a severely injured knee...I'll tell you this much... I would not be making an appearance anywhere except my own couch if I was in pain. I am not trying to win the award for the Strong Man competition.

Captain Awesome however does win the award for Most Stubborn with Hop-Along tendencies. An award I am sure to win back at some point down the road.

And even though Captain Awesome is a little gimpy right now he's still hot, and a sweetheart. This also gives me the opportuinity to take care of him so he thinks I'm nice and sweet. This way later down the road when he finds out I can be slightly illogical, neurotic and irrational I can say - "Hey, remember that one time when..." and he'll forgive me and we can go back to being like 12 year olds.

I wonder if there's a statute of limitations on "Hey, remember that time when..."

I might have to occasionally do other nice things to store in my "Things you do to avoid bad Karma" bucket. It's purple.

And there are different levels too. Remember The Bozo the Clown show where kids had to try to throw ping pong balls into tiny metal buckets...? The buckets at the back had the kick ass prizes...I always try to aim for the back bucket but sometimes the front bucket is all I can reach... and on certain days - the front bucket is enough to get by.

Oh how horoscopes make me chuckle

Slowing down enough to let your feelings rise to the surface could make you uncomfortable because it's usually easier for you to fly off and leave issues unresolved. Now, however, you can make a significant emotional breakthrough, but you cannot allow yourself to be distracted. Don't take on any new projects today and, if possible, put off any discretionary emails and phone calls for a couple of days.

This.is.hilarious.

And it's only funny b/c recently I met someone who has somehow made me reevaluate how I look at this whole relationship thing. Those who know me (and those that have read my blog) will know that I've never been a big "go for the gusto" kinda girl when it comes to boys. I've always played the game and tried to have the upper hand b/c honestly I just looked at them as a "for the time being" kind of thing. I never actually missed any of them if they didn't call or if I didn't see them for a few days, it just wasn't a big deal. And now, after a few days I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I'm going to have any sort of successful relationship I am going to have to learn that I just can't control everything. Truthfully, I don't regret letting any of them go because they weren't perfect for me, I tried to find flaws that made it easier for me to jump ship and even though it was kind of an a-hole move, it may have been the big guys way of saying... "Um, maybe not this one kiddo."

I've (weirdly) found myself not wanting to jump ship and not wanting to try to find flaws that make leaving easier because I don't want to leave. And yes, I'm amazingly terrified of what's going to happen, I'd be crazy not to be terrified... This kind of thing only happens in the movies and then an hour and a half later it's all done with...

So yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm terrified but since when have I let fear stop me from doing anything...

Guilty of the same

Ok, so I've been guilty of playing the "I'm not sure if I like you so I'll tell you I want to hang out but I'm too 'busy' right now" card.

And I'm guilty of the "Just stop calling and maybe they'll get the hint" Which is probably why I don't have patience for those people that do it to me.

Or, maybe I just notice that's what they're doing sooner than most people...

Most of the time I am just busy but I've also used it as an "opt out" and most people eventually just give up on trying to hang out with me and I don't have to feel bad b/c I never had to tell them that I didn't really want to hang out.

Maybe it's Karma's little way of telling me that I shouldn't be such a douche.

The blessing and the curse of being independent

I have had the blessing of being completely independent for the majority of my adulthood. I went from my parents house, to an apartment to a house, the later of the two in my name, paid by me. I always told myself that I wouldn't live with someone until I lived by myself and did it, all on my own.

However, I have, unfortunately been cursed by this independent-ness as well. I have always found myself taking care of other people. Whether it was letting my sister move in with me, or my friend Mary or boyfriends at the time. I had a boyfriend quite a few years ago that took full advantage of the fact that I was independent enough to take care of myself yet naive enough to believe that if I took care of him and his family, he would love me more. Two and a half years later I realized that I wasn't in love, never had been. But even though I wasn't in love with him, I was hurt, I felt betrayed and taken advantage of, and I told myself I would never let it happen again. I wouldn't be with someone unless I knew they could take care of me, even though I could take care of myself... Funny thing, history has a way of repeating itself.

Almost 3 years ago I met a guy named James, he managed and artist that I danced and did choreography for... I will use his name b/c I don't give a shit who knows him. When we broke up he made me out to be the bad guy which was bullshit...
I had been single for about 6 months before we started "dating" and 9 months by the time we decided to be together. He owned his own house, had a 10 year old child that he loved, had his own car, took me out, took care of me until we went to London. He promised us all success, and he lied. I should've seen it when he left his house to get foreclosed, his car to get repossessed and his child for an uncertain dream, but I was clouded and my "take care of everyone" side kicked in... I left London b/c I was broke... I paid for his plane ticket home, I let him and his friend move into MY apartment, I leased a car in MY name so he could drive MY other car. I bought a house in MY name for us to live in and I paid the rent and the majority of the bills. Then he had the nerve to get upset with me b/c I was staying busy with dance.

I finally told him he should move out and he said "How can you do this? I don't have anything, anywhere to go" and I was so done that I didn't care and I still don't. I was back in that space of naivety and hurt... and I told myself, I won't let this happen again...and I won't.

It's been two years since I've had a boyfriend and dating has proved to be a joke and even though at times I am lonely, I prefer to know that I'm strong enough to not be taken advantage of again...