Dad's Day

My schedule makes it fairly hard to see my parents on a regular basis and since I was given this weekend off I figured that I would invite them to stay with me...

They arrived Sat afternoon and we went to eat at Gloria's then to a Rough Riders game. Sunday we woke up, I made a simple breakfast and then went to lunch.

The man I call my father is actually my step dad and came into my life when I was 8. My biological father was only around for the first 8 years of my life and barely at that...he's referred to as the sperm donor.

Obviously coming into a relationship where a woman already has two 8-year olds is a task in itself but he managed to do it and although we butted heads quite a bit when we were growing up, he's taught me so much. Every time he comes down we make a home depot trip. This time it was to replace the light bulbs in my microwave, buy a new AC filter and a rubber stopper for behind my front door. He also gave my dogs a bath and offered to buy me new tires for my truck b/c they need it.

I have never regretted that the sperm donor is out of my life and doesn't want anything to do with my sister. My life would be sooo much different and not in a good way, my biological father is the true essence of a loser. He wasn't always that way but when my mom and sister and I left behind small town Indiana for a better life in Texas he stayed behind and slowly became a worthless piece of shit...

My stepfather always supported every decision we made even if it was the wrong one and even though he wasn't the most hands-on dad he taught me some of the most important lessons.
Buy a house, don't rent. (done)
Save at least $10,000 for a rainy day (yeah, working on that)
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you (done)
Don't rush into life, live it the way that makes you happy (everyday of my life)

Thanks Dad!

Feels like home

My friend Meredith is moving to Cali so she had a little going away party last night at Zubar. If you've never been to Zubar they play hip hop/house music. When I say hip hop, I mean REAL hip hop. Not that top 40's shit they play at every other bar in Dallas. AND to top the good music - I can rock my sneakers and a t-shirt and be comfortable instead of having to worry about whether I'm showing enough cleavage to get the bartender to notice me.

As some may or may not know I use to be really big into breaking and underground hip hop quite a few years ago and had I stuck with it, I'd probably be pretty decent... However, I was dating one of my crew members and when things didn't work out I decided to pursue the choreography side of things and I don't regret that decision at all. I've had a lot of opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I stuck with breaking. I still get the chance to dabble in it a little with shows BUT I can only do the basics. Good enough for me.

I ran into a bunch of people I use to hang out with back in the day and danced and it felt like old times, like I had never been out of the scene to begin with...I rocked the circle a little and laughed with friends, acted like an idiot, etc. And all I could think is "God, I miss this"... I miss the days when I use to go out with the guys and we rocked jeans and sneakers and danced ALL night - to the point where I would be dripping with sweat and my hair was curly by the end of the night. Nights where I didn't care that I looked like I ran a marathon and I didn't care cause I just wanted to dance...Nights where everyone around me was there for the same reason. Good music, friends and dance...It felt like home. Like I was back to my element and even though I'm not in the scene anymore it's amazing to hear music that makes you want to do something OTHER than shake your ass.

A place where bitches in tiny outfits aren't spilling drinks all over the dance floor.

It was good to be home

Lost with a clearly defined map

You know how there are certain days where you have clear, concise directions how to get somewhere but you still get lost? Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at. Although I will say things are looking up.

I'm done teaching for the summer so my Thursdays are free for a few months, I'm hanging out with friends more, I'm starting to run again, I'm walking the dogs more often and I will be picking back up my oils and getting back into my art stuff. It's kind of like when I put a blanket over my dogs face and they fight to get free and once they do they're really excited and jumping everywhere and they run around and play... I've had a little inspiration lately in quite a few forms but most of it has come from some new "music"... (those close to me will get this)...

I am excited to wake up everyday, I'm excited to see where life is going and more and more I'm excited just to... be.

The Life less travelled

Some people know from a small age what they want out of life whether it's to be a doctor or a pro athelete or a parent. These people plan their entire life path based on this decision. Work, friends, family, social life... they're all one more step to the end game.

I'll be 28 in 20 some-odd days and I still have no idea what I want in life. Not a clue. I know I like my life now but the thing is, will I be happy with where I'm at in a year? Two years? I don't know. So much has happened in the last 2 weeks and it makes me re-evaluate what I'm doing, what I've been doing. I can't say for certain that I want a family because I haven't met anyone that makes me want to change my life to accommodate a family. I haven't met anyone that can make me smile every day or understands my NEED to dance. Because truth be told, it is a need. The same way that a singer needs to sing and a piano player needs to play. It's in my blood and no one has actually understood that. They know it's important but they judge that I work my self into exhaustion because I have a need to continuously be doing something.

I over commit myself because it keeps me from having face the fact that I might be lonely. I try to convince those around me that I'm ok with living in a house by myself with two dogs and, for the most part, it's true. But there are days where I'd like to wake up next to something other than being licked in the face by a 4-legged, 90 pound mutt. Yes, the easy solution would be to stop running myself ragged and try to get out a meet people but, that hasn't worked yet.

I've been dating for the past 2 years and I'm tired. I'm tired of having to re-intoduce myself every first date. I'm tired of having to explain that I have shows and rehearsals and I'm busy and getting "always with excuses". I'm tired of boys who don't understand that making me laugh is better than any gift or dinner or date. I don't need fancy dinners or to go out all the time. I need someone who wants to be my friend. I want to have someone who is willing to deal with my standoff-ish personality. Someone who realizes that I don't like to open up and I don't show feelings. Someone who is sarcastic and funny and sweet. I don't want a macho man, or someone with an ego. I just want someone who is simple and kind. But not mushy OR overly affectionate.

I don't deal well with drama or people who over-react to things. I can come off as cold and heartless but it really is just because I've learned how to deal with things in my life. I have learned how to manage my emotions and be strong and I don't let trivial things affect me the same way most people do. I have a tendency to show frustration and anger but not sadness or heartbreak. I am in a good mood 99.99% of the time. I have a tendency to be impatient in certain situations but super patient in others. I will do whatever I can to get a laugh out of anyone of my friends when they are sad. It takes 15 minutes for me to make up my mind about someone and I'm usually right. I am nice to everyone unless they have done something to get on my bad side which is not a place anyone wants to be. I do not cry when I'm sad yet I tear up when things make me really happy.

It just seems funny that I know all of this about myself yet I don't fully know who I am yet. I don't think anyone fully knows who they are...