The Life less travelled

Some people know from a small age what they want out of life whether it's to be a doctor or a pro athelete or a parent. These people plan their entire life path based on this decision. Work, friends, family, social life... they're all one more step to the end game.

I'll be 28 in 20 some-odd days and I still have no idea what I want in life. Not a clue. I know I like my life now but the thing is, will I be happy with where I'm at in a year? Two years? I don't know. So much has happened in the last 2 weeks and it makes me re-evaluate what I'm doing, what I've been doing. I can't say for certain that I want a family because I haven't met anyone that makes me want to change my life to accommodate a family. I haven't met anyone that can make me smile every day or understands my NEED to dance. Because truth be told, it is a need. The same way that a singer needs to sing and a piano player needs to play. It's in my blood and no one has actually understood that. They know it's important but they judge that I work my self into exhaustion because I have a need to continuously be doing something.

I over commit myself because it keeps me from having face the fact that I might be lonely. I try to convince those around me that I'm ok with living in a house by myself with two dogs and, for the most part, it's true. But there are days where I'd like to wake up next to something other than being licked in the face by a 4-legged, 90 pound mutt. Yes, the easy solution would be to stop running myself ragged and try to get out a meet people but, that hasn't worked yet.

I've been dating for the past 2 years and I'm tired. I'm tired of having to re-intoduce myself every first date. I'm tired of having to explain that I have shows and rehearsals and I'm busy and getting "always with excuses". I'm tired of boys who don't understand that making me laugh is better than any gift or dinner or date. I don't need fancy dinners or to go out all the time. I need someone who wants to be my friend. I want to have someone who is willing to deal with my standoff-ish personality. Someone who realizes that I don't like to open up and I don't show feelings. Someone who is sarcastic and funny and sweet. I don't want a macho man, or someone with an ego. I just want someone who is simple and kind. But not mushy OR overly affectionate.

I don't deal well with drama or people who over-react to things. I can come off as cold and heartless but it really is just because I've learned how to deal with things in my life. I have learned how to manage my emotions and be strong and I don't let trivial things affect me the same way most people do. I have a tendency to show frustration and anger but not sadness or heartbreak. I am in a good mood 99.99% of the time. I have a tendency to be impatient in certain situations but super patient in others. I will do whatever I can to get a laugh out of anyone of my friends when they are sad. It takes 15 minutes for me to make up my mind about someone and I'm usually right. I am nice to everyone unless they have done something to get on my bad side which is not a place anyone wants to be. I do not cry when I'm sad yet I tear up when things make me really happy.

It just seems funny that I know all of this about myself yet I don't fully know who I am yet. I don't think anyone fully knows who they are...