It went downhill after I learned to tie my shoes

For the sake of arguing

2008-10-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever known someone who argues with you JUST to argue? They take whatever side of an argument as long as it's the opposite of yours, EVEN IF you are completely right and they have absolutely NO argument to support their position?

That's my significant other. Captain Awesome is an arguer. An *opposer of opposition. A rebel of cooperation and *agreeance. A pain in the ass.

He will undoubtedly argue with me about anything and everything.
Me: Turn left
CA: It's a one way
Me: No it's not
CA: The turn up here is right
Me: No, it's the one way
(we turn in his turn -sees it's a one way)
CA: Oh, I thought that back there was the one way
Me: No
CA: I'll go back
Thoughts in my head: Jesus effing Christo

It's like this ALL the time. No matter what. He HAS to be right. I'm at the point where I just stop arguing until he realizes that he's wrong. Sometimes he's right but even if he's wrong he argues. I have, at some points, wanted to punch him in the face.

Ah, to be in love... my brain hurts.

* words that are not in the dictionary however you know exactly what they mean.

When I die, I want a party

2008-09-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

I know it's sort of a morbid thought but it's true. I have never been a fan of funerals mostly b/c they always feel dark and sad and yes, that's what they're for because it's the "mourning period" but who says that you HAVE to have a funeral.

When I die I want a party.

I want a cake and ballons and everyone to be in bright colors. I want people to laugh (and cry) and celebrate the life I lived. I want a DJ to play kick ass music and I want my friends and family to dance because THAT's what I loved the most in life. I want pictures of me with friends and family displayed so that they can remember the good times we shared.

I want people in bright colors because I did not come into this world wearing black, I did not walk around with black clothes and dark makeup. I was not depressed or sad. My life was bright and wonderful and filled with color. Remember me that way...

I do not want and open casket or a casket at all. I want to be cremated and I want my ashes poured into the ocean because my life was not lived in one place, it was lived in many. I travel and adore the world, do not make one spot my resting place for eternity. Release me that way...

I do not want people to be sad that I am gone but rather I want them to be happy that my life was a full as it could possibly be. I want people to say "Geez she was a bitch but she was funny." When people talk or think about me I want them to laugh at something I said or did. Recall me that way...

As much as birth is a celebration of new life death should be a celebration of an old life.

When I die, I want a freakin party...

I wish the lottery was my BFF

2008-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have daydreams where the winning lottery numbers and I are playing and skipping in the park and we play a game of hopscotch and then we go for a tandem bike ride... All the while we are laughing care-free with our hair blowing in the wind (cause lottery numbers have hair)... We sit and drink coffee together and talk about boys and do each others makeup. BFs FOREVER!

Then I'm snapped back to reality by the sound of my boss asking me to send her a document that she already has in her inbox. I know this because I've already sent it to her 12 friggin times. Geezus I want to stab her in the eye with a spoon.

I know the lottery and I will never be BFFs because I'm incredibly unlucky, I can't even win at penny slots... My lucky number is 13 - that should say enough.

The Lottery is like the really popular sorority-type chick in school and I'm the band geek. Sure I'll be way hotter at the high school reunion in 10 years and she'll be fat with 5 kids but she's still rich and rich will always win.

On top of that, the cost of gas these days doesn't make it easy to spare any change, especially change for chance.

So to you lottery I say... I am ok not being your BFF however you could at least look my way and smile every now and then. Ass.

Dove chocolate = nemesis

2008-08-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

I have a weakness for anything chocolate, or sour, or sweet or sweet AND sour which completely explains the size of my ass and thighs at this point in my life. My Hate-Hate relationship with running and working out explains it further. My friend at work bought me a whole bag of Dove chocolates and laid them on my desk Monday morning... grrr. The one thing I love about Dove chocolates (besides the fact that they're chocolate) is that they have these little sayings on the inside of the wrapper. It's like a little pick me up mid-day (or morning depending on how shitty the day)...My after lunch chocolate fix has left me with this message

"Send a love letter this week"

So in spirit of not upsetting the Chocolate Gods...here you go.

Dear Captain Awesome,

You have undoubtedly been a suprise in my life but for all the right reasons. When I met you I was convinced that maybe it just wasn't my time to be with anyone, that I had a lot more to learn and experience on my own before I should be with someone else. I had convinced myself that, despite being lonely on occasion, it was better than being miserable with someone because I settled. I have always lived my life full throttle, never looking back, never regretting and never wondering what-if. For the past two years I have travelled and experienced and lived fully with no one to share it with. It wasn't until I met you that I finally knew what they meant when they say life is better when you have someone to share it with. You make me smile and laugh and cry. And even though we've only been together a short time I can't possibly imagine my life without you in it. I can't imagine not waking up next to you in the morning or hearing and saying words I haven't spoke in a very long time. I am not ashamed to admit that I am incredibly in love with you and everything you are... I love the fact that we think exactly alike and we can call each other things most people would be offended or hurt by... I cannot wait to see what the future holds (as long as it isn't monkey babies) for us.

Love,

Me

Happiness in Confusion

2008-08-21T09:33:00.001-07:00

I should probably preface this post by saying that I am truly happy with where I am in life, my relationship with Captain Awesome and my friendships. However I am utterly confused and not b/c I don't want what I have...it's just a big change.

I have, minus a few rotating roommates, lived by myself in my house for 2 years now with the dogs and although I did enjoy it, I was lonely at times. The thought of having someone to come home to every day was a nice, well, thought. I didn't actually think about the process of having that someone there all the time.

The combining of kitchen things in an already at full capacity kitchen. The bedroom furniture in the guest bedroom that already has a bed. The couch and gimoungous TV in an already furnished living room (cue "man room"). It's a little overwhelming trying to plan all this stuff AND actually do it since he's still out of commission b/c of the knee. I've gone from having MY stuff in the house to having HIS stuff which is now all OUR stuff. I've had an OUR's before but not really, not permanently and I think the "permanent" is the part that's starting to kick in a little. OK, a lot.

I have no doubt that this is going to work it's just that we're still learning about each other and what to say and what not to say. What hurts each others feelings and what doesn't, etc. Things most people take their time learning, not us. We started with the fact that neither one of us has wanted anything to work more than this and went from there. That should let you know our personalities :) Balls to the wall, full-out, no bullshit. Which will either be our downfall or the reason why we last forever.

I'm just glad his family is around to help. His mother has been great, she helps keep my house clean, cooks dinner for us every couple of days and is going to help me plan how to make all this stuff work in the space. Honestly, I'd probably be even more overwhelmed if not for her. We still have at least 2 more months of this so even though I'm getting use to it, it's still an adjustment in lifestyle.

Signed,
Happiness in Confusion

Get the Eff outta dodge

2008-08-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm a mover, a traveler. I don't like sitting still for too long AND if I am going to be sitting still for long periods of time I get really ansy for new scenery. Maybe I have ADD or maybe I just know that this isn't it and there's a ton of stuff to see in the world.

I haven't had a vacation since my trip to Italy in March and it's killing me. Mainly because I can't afford it but if I could I'd be out... I have plans to go snowboarding this winter but geezus, that's freaking AT LEAST 5 months away. Two words. Stir.Crazy. I start teaching in a couple of weeks which will help with 1) Money 2) keeping me pre-occupied. I really want to make a trip into Nature before the weather gets too cold. A trip to Yellowstone or New Mexico or Arizona or...well, you get the picture. I've never been to Yellowstone and I want to go! We use to go to Colorado every Summer when we were kids and I LOVED it. If you've never felt like you were about to fall off a 1,000 ft cliff you just aren't living. :/

Aaliyah was kind of right

2008-07-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

Age ain't nothing but a number... unless the two numbers are on different planets. I've never been one to really worry about an age difference but it has played a HUGE part in a couple of relationships I've had. One was where they guy was 3 years younger than me and the other was where the guy was 10 years older than me. Neither worked because we were on different pages, scratch that, different books...and it's OK because I learned something from both of them but we just weren't right... 3 years isn't that big of a difference unless you are mid 20's and your younger counter part is JUST now experiencing the life of partying and groupies. The 10 year difference was the same issue but he wanted something I couldn't give him at the age of 25, I wasn't ready to settle down and play the role.

I'm now with someone who is 5 years younger than me and the same fears about age haunt me again. By no means is he like the ex but I still worry that I will hold him back from learning who he is. I learned a lot about who I am the last 5 years and I don't want to be responsible for keeping him from that... I don't want it to affect our relationship but then again I don't want to get down the road only to find that this isn't what he wants. I just feel that I'm too old to be wasting time on relationships that have no future or people that I don't care about. This is why I've been single for so long.

It's just never been worth the effort I guess. He's absolutely amazing. Gorgeous, funny, caring, sweet...he has an amazing smile and his kisses weaken my knees. My heart skips a beat when I think about him and he's more than I could ever ask for...so what's the problem you ask...

Yes, maybe I'm being paranoid and irrational but this is what being single for years does to you... Am I wrong for thinking like this or at least worrying about it?

Maybe my fears are unwarranted but they are still there and they are valid no matter what he says to reassure me. I'm not ready for marriage/kids by any stretch of the imagination but he's REALLY not ready for any of it.

It's official - Facebook said so...

2008-07-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I like how Facebook confirms your relationship… Thank you Facebook for allowing confirmation of my relationship to said individual. Without you I would be totally lost in the abyss of relationship confusion.

Seriously though...?? Really?

I finally got some work done on my house with the help of the rents and the brother-in-law. Put up base boards in the living room, painted the mantle and cleaned out the chimney flue and put up a shelf, etc... So after a trip to Home Depot, another trip to Lowes, multiple 45 degree angle cuts, discovering an extremly dead bird in my chimney, it feels like a home even though I've been there for 2 years. I'm lazy, and I don't have the tools (or knowledge) to do most of it... that's what dads and brother-in-laws are for, right?

The new boy, we'll call him Captain Awesome, came over yesterday as well. I'll give him hella props though. One for wanting to meet my parents. Two for wanting to do it after a nasty motobike wreck on Saturday afternoon that left him with a broken helmet, concussion and a severely injured knee...I'll tell you this much... I would not be making an appearance anywhere except my own couch if I was in pain. I am not trying to win the award for the Strong Man competition.

Captain Awesome however does win the award for Most Stubborn with Hop-Along tendencies. An award I am sure to win back at some point down the road.

And even though Captain Awesome is a little gimpy right now he's still hot, and a sweetheart. This also gives me the opportuinity to take care of him so he thinks I'm nice and sweet. This way later down the road when he finds out I can be slightly illogical, neurotic and irrational I can say - "Hey, remember that one time when..." and he'll forgive me and we can go back to being like 12 year olds.

I wonder if there's a statute of limitations on "Hey, remember that time when..."

I might have to occasionally do other nice things to store in my "Things you do to avoid bad Karma" bucket. It's purple.

And there are different levels too. Remember The Bozo the Clown show where kids had to try to throw ping pong balls into tiny metal buckets...? The buckets at the back had the kick ass prizes...I always try to aim for the back bucket but sometimes the front bucket is all I can reach... and on certain days - the front bucket is enough to get by.

Oh how horoscopes make me chuckle

2008-07-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

Slowing down enough to let your feelings rise to the surface could make you uncomfortable because it's usually easier for you to fly off and leave issues unresolved. Now, however, you can make a significant emotional breakthrough, but you cannot allow yourself to be distracted. Don't take on any new projects today and, if possible, put off any discretionary emails and phone calls for a couple of days.

This.is.hilarious.

And it's only funny b/c recently I met someone who has somehow made me reevaluate how I look at this whole relationship thing. Those who know me (and those that have read my blog) will know that I've never been a big "go for the gusto" kinda girl when it comes to boys. I've always played the game and tried to have the upper hand b/c honestly I just looked at them as a "for the time being" kind of thing. I never actually missed any of them if they didn't call or if I didn't see them for a few days, it just wasn't a big deal. And now, after a few days I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I'm going to have any sort of successful relationship I am going to have to learn that I just can't control everything. Truthfully, I don't regret letting any of them go because they weren't perfect for me, I tried to find flaws that made it easier for me to jump ship and even though it was kind of an a-hole move, it may have been the big guys way of saying... "Um, maybe not this one kiddo."

I've (weirdly) found myself not wanting to jump ship and not wanting to try to find flaws that make leaving easier because I don't want to leave. And yes, I'm amazingly terrified of what's going to happen, I'd be crazy not to be terrified... This kind of thing only happens in the movies and then an hour and a half later it's all done with...

So yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm terrified but since when have I let fear stop me from doing anything...

Guilty of the same

2008-07-08T09:27:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I've been guilty of playing the "I'm not sure if I like you so I'll tell you I want to hang out but I'm too 'busy' right now" card.

And I'm guilty of the "Just stop calling and maybe they'll get the hint" Which is probably why I don't have patience for those people that do it to me.

Or, maybe I just notice that's what they're doing sooner than most people...

Most of the time I am just busy but I've also used it as an "opt out" and most people eventually just give up on trying to hang out with me and I don't have to feel bad b/c I never had to tell them that I didn't really want to hang out.

Maybe it's Karma's little way of telling me that I shouldn't be such a douche.

The blessing and the curse of being independent

2008-07-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have had the blessing of being completely independent for the majority of my adulthood. I went from my parents house, to an apartment to a house, the later of the two in my name, paid by me. I always told myself that I wouldn't live with someone until I lived by myself and did it, all on my own.

However, I have, unfortunately been cursed by this independent-ness as well. I have always found myself taking care of other people. Whether it was letting my sister move in with me, or my friend Mary or boyfriends at the time. I had a boyfriend quite a few years ago that took full advantage of the fact that I was independent enough to take care of myself yet naive enough to believe that if I took care of him and his family, he would love me more. Two and a half years later I realized that I wasn't in love, never had been. But even though I wasn't in love with him, I was hurt, I felt betrayed and taken advantage of, and I told myself I would never let it happen again. I wouldn't be with someone unless I knew they could take care of me, even though I could take care of myself... Funny thing, history has a way of repeating itself.

Almost 3 years ago I met a guy named James, he managed and artist that I danced and did choreography for... I will use his name b/c I don't give a shit who knows him. When we broke up he made me out to be the bad guy which was bullshit...
I had been single for about 6 months before we started "dating" and 9 months by the time we decided to be together. He owned his own house, had a 10 year old child that he loved, had his own car, took me out, took care of me until we went to London. He promised us all success, and he lied. I should've seen it when he left his house to get foreclosed, his car to get repossessed and his child for an uncertain dream, but I was clouded and my "take care of everyone" side kicked in... I left London b/c I was broke... I paid for his plane ticket home, I let him and his friend move into MY apartment, I leased a car in MY name so he could drive MY other car. I bought a house in MY name for us to live in and I paid the rent and the majority of the bills. Then he had the nerve to get upset with me b/c I was staying busy with dance.

I finally told him he should move out and he said "How can you do this? I don't have anything, anywhere to go" and I was so done that I didn't care and I still don't. I was back in that space of naivety and hurt... and I told myself, I won't let this happen again...and I won't.

It's been two years since I've had a boyfriend and dating has proved to be a joke and even though at times I am lonely, I prefer to know that I'm strong enough to not be taken advantage of again...

Dad's Day

2008-06-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

My schedule makes it fairly hard to see my parents on a regular basis and since I was given this weekend off I figured that I would invite them to stay with me...

They arrived Sat afternoon and we went to eat at Gloria's then to a Rough Riders game. Sunday we woke up, I made a simple breakfast and then went to lunch.

The man I call my father is actually my step dad and came into my life when I was 8. My biological father was only around for the first 8 years of my life and barely at that...he's referred to as the sperm donor.

Obviously coming into a relationship where a woman already has two 8-year olds is a task in itself but he managed to do it and although we butted heads quite a bit when we were growing up, he's taught me so much. Every time he comes down we make a home depot trip. This time it was to replace the light bulbs in my microwave, buy a new AC filter and a rubber stopper for behind my front door. He also gave my dogs a bath and offered to buy me new tires for my truck b/c they need it.

I have never regretted that the sperm donor is out of my life and doesn't want anything to do with my sister. My life would be sooo much different and not in a good way, my biological father is the true essence of a loser. He wasn't always that way but when my mom and sister and I left behind small town Indiana for a better life in Texas he stayed behind and slowly became a worthless piece of shit...

My stepfather always supported every decision we made even if it was the wrong one and even though he wasn't the most hands-on dad he taught me some of the most important lessons.
Buy a house, don't rent. (done)
Save at least $10,000 for a rainy day (yeah, working on that)
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you (done)
Don't rush into life, live it the way that makes you happy (everyday of my life)

Thanks Dad!

Feels like home

2008-06-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

My friend Meredith is moving to Cali so she had a little going away party last night at Zubar. If you've never been to Zubar they play hip hop/house music. When I say hip hop, I mean REAL hip hop. Not that top 40's shit they play at every other bar in Dallas. AND to top the good music - I can rock my sneakers and a t-shirt and be comfortable instead of having to worry about whether I'm showing enough cleavage to get the bartender to notice me.

As some may or may not know I use to be really big into breaking and underground hip hop quite a few years ago and had I stuck with it, I'd probably be pretty decent... However, I was dating one of my crew members and when things didn't work out I decided to pursue the choreography side of things and I don't regret that decision at all. I've had a lot of opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I stuck with breaking. I still get the chance to dabble in it a little with shows BUT I can only do the basics. Good enough for me.

I ran into a bunch of people I use to hang out with back in the day and danced and it felt like old times, like I had never been out of the scene to begin with...I rocked the circle a little and laughed with friends, acted like an idiot, etc. And all I could think is "God, I miss this"... I miss the days when I use to go out with the guys and we rocked jeans and sneakers and danced ALL night - to the point where I would be dripping with sweat and my hair was curly by the end of the night. Nights where I didn't care that I looked like I ran a marathon and I didn't care cause I just wanted to dance...Nights where everyone around me was there for the same reason. Good music, friends and dance...It felt like home. Like I was back to my element and even though I'm not in the scene anymore it's amazing to hear music that makes you want to do something OTHER than shake your ass.

A place where bitches in tiny outfits aren't spilling drinks all over the dance floor.

It was good to be home

Lost with a clearly defined map

2008-06-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

You know how there are certain days where you have clear, concise directions how to get somewhere but you still get lost? Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at. Although I will say things are looking up.

I'm done teaching for the summer so my Thursdays are free for a few months, I'm hanging out with friends more, I'm starting to run again, I'm walking the dogs more often and I will be picking back up my oils and getting back into my art stuff. It's kind of like when I put a blanket over my dogs face and they fight to get free and once they do they're really excited and jumping everywhere and they run around and play... I've had a little inspiration lately in quite a few forms but most of it has come from some new "music"... (those close to me will get this)...

I am excited to wake up everyday, I'm excited to see where life is going and more and more I'm excited just to... be.

The Life less travelled

2008-06-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Some people know from a small age what they want out of life whether it's to be a doctor or a pro athelete or a parent. These people plan their entire life path based on this decision. Work, friends, family, social life... they're all one more step to the end game.

I'll be 28 in 20 some-odd days and I still have no idea what I want in life. Not a clue. I know I like my life now but the thing is, will I be happy with where I'm at in a year? Two years? I don't know. So much has happened in the last 2 weeks and it makes me re-evaluate what I'm doing, what I've been doing. I can't say for certain that I want a family because I haven't met anyone that makes me want to change my life to accommodate a family. I haven't met anyone that can make me smile every day or understands my NEED to dance. Because truth be told, it is a need. The same way that a singer needs to sing and a piano player needs to play. It's in my blood and no one has actually understood that. They know it's important but they judge that I work my self into exhaustion because I have a need to continuously be doing something.

I over commit myself because it keeps me from having face the fact that I might be lonely. I try to convince those around me that I'm ok with living in a house by myself with two dogs and, for the most part, it's true. But there are days where I'd like to wake up next to something other than being licked in the face by a 4-legged, 90 pound mutt. Yes, the easy solution would be to stop running myself ragged and try to get out a meet people but, that hasn't worked yet.

I've been dating for the past 2 years and I'm tired. I'm tired of having to re-intoduce myself every first date. I'm tired of having to explain that I have shows and rehearsals and I'm busy and getting "always with excuses". I'm tired of boys who don't understand that making me laugh is better than any gift or dinner or date. I don't need fancy dinners or to go out all the time. I need someone who wants to be my friend. I want to have someone who is willing to deal with my standoff-ish personality. Someone who realizes that I don't like to open up and I don't show feelings. Someone who is sarcastic and funny and sweet. I don't want a macho man, or someone with an ego. I just want someone who is simple and kind. But not mushy OR overly affectionate.

I don't deal well with drama or people who over-react to things. I can come off as cold and heartless but it really is just because I've learned how to deal with things in my life. I have learned how to manage my emotions and be strong and I don't let trivial things affect me the same way most people do. I have a tendency to show frustration and anger but not sadness or heartbreak. I am in a good mood 99.99% of the time. I have a tendency to be impatient in certain situations but super patient in others. I will do whatever I can to get a laugh out of anyone of my friends when they are sad. It takes 15 minutes for me to make up my mind about someone and I'm usually right. I am nice to everyone unless they have done something to get on my bad side which is not a place anyone wants to be. I do not cry when I'm sad yet I tear up when things make me really happy.

It just seems funny that I know all of this about myself yet I don't fully know who I am yet. I don't think anyone fully knows who they are...

The genius that was Forrest

2008-05-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

Forrest Gump said it best "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"

The problem is that I always cut my chocolates in half to see what's on the inside, if I don't like it, I don't eat it... I leave it in the box and hope that someone somewhere likes that nasty coconut filled chocolate and I don't have to eat it.

I wish real life was like that. Where you could ask for a half glimpse into the future in any given situation to know what the outcome might be and if you don't like it you don't have to continue, you can just move on to the next chocolate.

Unfortunately life is not like this. We must "live and learn"...and I hate it. I hate that life takes those that deserve life from us and and leaves shitty people here on earth. Murderers and rapists and the lowest scum continue to live on when loved ones die.

It just doesn't seem fair anymore. I work and work and try to live a good life yet I struggle to find meaning in it. What's my purpose and why haven't I figured it out yet? I know that in time and when it's right everything will happen but I just don't feel "full" anymore. Dance has been the only thing that has kept me sane lately, it's my escape, my muse.

Life is short - eat dessert first

2008-05-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

In light of this week's events I have a different outlook on life. Not that I had too different of one before, it's just that I was reminded how precious and short life can be. My perspective has changed slightly.

Today I will be attending the funeral of a beloved co-worker who tragically passed away on Sunday night at the age of 30. I will also be visiting the gravesite of my godmothers father who passed away 19 years ago on this day. Today is also my mother's 50th birthday.

I think many of us take advantage of what our time on this earth is meant for... it's meant to live and experience and share. Too many of us work too hard, worry too much and don't live enough.

I decided a long time ago that although I have responsibilites and I do have to be a grown up I will not let that stop me from enjoying every minute that I have on this earth. I have travelled more in the last 3 years then most people have in their life. I have some of the BEST friends any person could ask for and the BEST family that any person could ask for. I laugh everyday and tell all of my friends that I love them because in the event that I do leave unexpectedly, I want everyone to know what they meant to me. I don't waste time with people who do not treat me right or who do not want me. I do not love recklessly because I save it for those that deserve it. I love french fries and chocolate and strawberries.

I dance because it is my passion and it's what makes me the happiest. I coach because sharing my passion to those who share the same passion is amazing. I teach kids because there's nothing better than seeing children who want nothing more than to learn from you, so much that they even copy your style of clothing. I love children because they love selflessly and unconditionally. I have 4 year old boyfriends who are the cutest things I've ever seen in my life. I drink from the milk carton because when you think about it, no one cares.

From now on I will spend as much time with my friends and family as possible. I will travel more and eat weird things. I will prepare my finances accordingly so that if something did happen, my family will be taken care of. I will drink watermelon martinis and eat sushi with friends on a Thursday night because I can. I will not dwell on the past because there's nothing I can do about it now. I will live in the present now and worry about the future later. I will not have regrets.

Most of all, I will eat dessert first because in the end happiness in life is what matters most.

It's hard being a single parent

2008-04-17T11:16:00.001-07:00

I give my mother an ass ton of credit for rasing my sister and I on her own. Having twins is already a pain in the ass but I wasn't the easiest child. As my mom says, I went from this little, sweet, innocent child to spawn of Satan in the matter of 24 hours. I remained the spawn of satan for a good 5 years. Drugs, fights, vandalism....you name it. All in the name of "discovering my youth" Yeah, the only thing I was discovering is what drugs I never wanted to do ever in my life and that fighting only gives you the reputation as a scrapper. My name doesn't really help people forget anything either...

My mom's cool as shit, and pretty much a bad ass... I'm still afraid of the woman and we're the same size. On top of that, my parents live out in the woods and I'm pretty sure my mom knows how to hide a body. Or, at least that's what she always threatened me with when we were growing up BUT I'm not one to test that theory.

She also gets mad when I tell my dogs to "tell grandma hi" - apparently 4 legged children aren't what she considers grand kids... but whatev.

Although my kids can take care of themselves for the most part it's still hard raising them by myself. I have to get someone to take care of them if I go out of town which isn't hard b/c I have the best sister in the world and she takes care of them. But it kind of puts a damper on all-nighters and sleep overs and that sort of thing. I always have to make sure the pups are fine...

Dang this single parent thing...

Things that go Bark in the night

2008-04-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have two dogs. Two big, furry, hilarious dogs. (See pictures). They are, without a doubt, the biggest babies. EVER. The pit is afraid of his shadow, literally.

This is quite possibly because they haven't been exposed to male testosterone for any extended period of time. They listen and do tricks and they're cool but they are scared of everything. They could quite possibly the worst guard dogs ever...

Lately the big one has taken to barking in the middle of the night at anything and everything. Let me tell you, this is not a little bark but more of a solid, echoing WOOF. There's nothing better than being awakened from a sound sleep by a barking dog. The bad part, I don't even move anymore. I'm not afraid someone is breaking in or someone's near my fence, nope. I just assume the wind blew and freaked him out.. Great huh?

At least they SOUND scary when they bark.

Sugar-coated cereal and swing-sets

2008-04-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I've blogged but frankly fake blogging is not my forte so therefore I've waited until I had something to say.

I miss the days of sugar-coated cereal and swing-sets and albeit I'm not above partaking in those goodies, it's not on my regularly scheduled programming. It's now organic whole grain flakes with fat free milk (although I have THOUGHT about covering those flakes with chocolate soy milk before). I will admit (and my friends/family will back me) that I am eternally 12... I like coloring books and the zoo and cartoons. How I love cartoons. But why is it that as we grow we feel the need to leave those things behind. Why shouldn't I eat Lucky Charms for breakfast everyday(and dinner if I prefer) and eat a box of macaroni and cheese for dinner. Not even the good Velveta kind, I'm talking the uber powdery Kraft kind... where you have to add like a stick of butter and milk. The kind you can't eat with a fork because the cheese is too runny... THAT kind.

Why is it that we feel like we must leave our childhood behind?

When love was as simple as a punch in the arm from the boy you liked...
When Big Wheels were THE mode of transportation...
When I knew that the world was perfect and I believed in everyone and everything and fairy tales...

I want to go back to the days when I could ride my bike down the street and not have to worry about pervs. When it was acceptable to say whatever you wanted just because you were a child and didn't know any better. When climbing UP the slide was the way to go. When it wasn't frowned upon to play on the playground.

I want to be able to love life again. Don't get me wrong, I love MY life and the world that I have created for myself but I want to be able to love LIFE. Living, breathing, loving, laughing...LIFE. All those things we slowly start to forget about along the way. I want to sit down with a coloring book and a set of 64 crayons and color. I want to stand in front of the Monkey enclosure at the zoo and admire how much they are like us. How they act like children. How they like to play and laugh and just be monkeys.

I just want to be able to be...Me. The girl who laughs at EVERYTHING. The girl that doesn't care about what people think. The girl that will talk to whomever just because people are awesome. The girl that knows that life isn't meant to be boring, it's meant to be fun and an adventure. A life of no regrets.

There is only one thing that I wouldn't trade for the life of Sugar-Coated Cereal and Swing-sets. The ability to APPRECIATE living and loving and laughing. APPRECIATE my friends and family.

APPRECIATE that I can, if I choose to.. Eat Sugar-Coated cereal and play on swing-sets.

Oh Universe, how you make me giggle

2008-02-20T06:28:00.000-08:00

So upon suggestion by a friend that a book would change my life I picked up "The Secret" and because I usually fall asleep while reading, I bought it on iTunes so I could listen to it at work. You know, instead of working.

The book makes perfect sense. Perfect, "Duh, why didn't I think of that", sense. The Law of Attraction. What you put out into the Universe is what will be returned to you. Negative receives negative. Positive receives positive. Easy enough Univers, I GOT THIS! Until implementation time comes. It's all easy in theory but trying to maintain a positive attitude while you want to punch your co-worker in the face is really hard. Especially when THAT's the one thing that would make your world happy. The book teaches you lots of ways on how to ask the Universe for what you want and have gratitude for everything that you DO have instead of complaining about what you DON'T have...eventually you will have everything YOU desire becuase YOU asked for it. Simple enough.

I can honestly it's helped me deal with a situation this week that would make any normal woman fly off the handle. Instead, I just walked away.

The Comedian is done. I walked away from him yesterday because frankly he doesn't deserve me. Here's the story for you:
He called me Friday early afternoon as he was heading out of town to Houston to visit his cousin. I didn't hear from him again until LATE sunday night. Now I don't need someone to call me to check in however, I did start to wonder if he was still alive. So Monday I decide that I'm going to email him and try to find some time to hang out this week. His comment to me was something like this. "I'm not the one without time, you are. So really the question should be would you like to hang out Monday, Wed, Saturday between the hours of 8PM and 6AM and all day on Sunday". For one. WOW. Hostile much? So I say we should hang out on Tuesday and we agree. Well yesterday about 2PM I shoot him an email and ask him what the plans for the evening and he tells me that his buddy is coming over for a bit after he gets off so I kindly ask how long he would be there and I thought him and I were going to spend some time together. His response. "We are".
Well...
8PM rolls around and I haven't heard from him.
8:30PM Still nothing, I send text message asking if he's still at work.
8:45 - (him) Yes, still at work.
9:00 - (me) Are we hanging out or not
9:20 - (him) Yes, just finishing up some stuff
9:50 - (him) Come over now, I'm here now. Had to charge my phone
10:00 - I head over b/c I'm going to talk to him about stuff and why I'm upset.

I get over there and not only is his buddy there but he's high. I'm not that type of girl where I get mad about people smoking cause I really don't care. However we made plans to hang out and THIS is the shit that he pulls. So I tell him why I'm bothered b/c I wasn't mad, I was highly disappointed. AND he's giggling. Great, I'm in the room trying to have a conversation with a fucking 3 year old...awesome.

I finally tell him to just say what he has to say and he says this "I just really don't want to fuck with it".

I got up and left.

I have deleted his number, all text messages and I feel good. to tell you the truth, I wasn't even upset when I left. I was disappointed sure, but I wasn't sad or mad, just relieved really. To know that the Universe has played it's hand and all I can do is laugh.

F**k it Fridays, Martini Madness

2008-02-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

So V-day is the worst possible holiday ever. I won't go into too much detail but I don't celebrate the day, haven't in years. And yes, maybe that whole "single" thing plays a big factor Buuuut whatever. I purposely wore all black last year and I threw in a tinge of white this year. I hate those people that walk around in pink and red and are all Fa-la-la-la-la about it... save that shit for Christmas.

I'm in a bad mood - I'll just put it out there. The only saving grace of this week is that my girlfriend and I are going to dinner and have martini's cause we don't give a shit today. Both of us are done with guys (it's been a rough week). She's my "get in some serious trouble" friend. After a game one night we went to a bar and we preceeded to get drunk off Long Island Ice Teas (4 to be exact...EACH) and then made a pit stop on the drive home to pee. Fell down the hill on the side of the road into a field of wild grass... let the itching begin. She woke up the next day half way on the guest bed and I couldn't remember effing leaving the bar. Also, at some point during the night she also 1) untied my shirt 2) pulled a chair out on to the dance floor and danced with a man w/ something along the lines of "pappa" on the back of his jersey. We also OWN any cage within the vicinity that we are dancing...back of biznatch. And god forbid there be a drunken heifer next to us at any given point, both of us possess a certain ghetto-ness that tends to rear it's ugly little head when our territory is invaded. BUT I only usually get like this when she's around... it's bad... but oh so fun. There will be stories on Monday for sure.

Also, The Comedian is out of town so let the trouble begin!!

I have a confession...

2008-02-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

I have an obsession and not really a healthy one.

I love potatoes and chocolate.

Not necessarily togehter. Although french fries and a frostie from Wendy's are great.

I love potatoes. Mashed, fried, baked, twice baked, boiled, roasted, etc. Specifically french fries. LOVE them.

I love chocolate. Milk, dark, white, mixed, melted, formed into molds, covered in something, filled with something, etc. LOVE it.

That is all.

With Italy on the horizon

2008-02-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

With my trip to Italy steadily approaching I've got a few things on my mind.

One: Where I'm staying and what I'm doing while in Italy BUT I'm pretty sure I have most of it figured out. Pizza. Wine. Bread. Cheese. Gelato. Some ancient architecture and statues. Easy Enough.

Two: How to deal with The Comedian while I'm out of town.

Do I have the conversation about "what's going on with us" before I leave or do I just leave and guess what's going on. The funny part is that I want to know b/c I need to know how I should act while I'm gone. Are we together? If so, I won't act like typical me. But if we aren't then is it free game? I know that sounds silly BUT if I'm not committed to someone and I'm in a foreign country... See where I'm going? Not that I'm a whore b/c that's the one thing the comedian and I did talk about at the beginning. That was our only "committment" to each other. However, enjoying the company of someone else was never talked about and when he asked me this weekend where I saw "us" in a year I was kind of shocked. My reply was typical me "I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm just trying to make it through this week" (slight pause) "I just know I like you and want to spend time with you". His reply was funny, but true. "That was tough for you to say wasn't it...you may have thrown up in your mouth a little." The good part is that he understands how guarded I am with my feelings and that I don't say things I don't mean. I will never lie to him about the way I'm feeling but I probably won't volunteer the information either.

So more than likely I will have to have "the" conversation before I go to Italy, for sanity sake. But I won't like it. AND it won't come easy.

The tough girl

2008-02-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

Yes - 2nd post today. Get over it. I'm in a mood.

I'm known as the tough girl. The one that doesn't show emotion, that can deal with pain, lets stuff slide off her back, doesn't care, etc. This is me in all my glory b/c I don't want to be hurt.

The Comedian has officially made me pull back into my shell...

Me: Hello handsome!

The Comedian: how are you? I felt like i have not talked to you at all this week. how is life.

Me:Lol. We haven’t really talked much this week… Life is stressful but good. How about you?

TC: Good, busy

Me: I can tell

TC: well we both are busy people.

Me: That we are. So when do two busy people see each other again?
see this, this is me making an effort)

TC: How does tonight look for you. I have no idea what I am going to do.

Me: I have something to do at 6:30 but it shouldn’t take that long (hopefully) so I should be free after 8:00… This week’s been rough and as much as it pains me to say this (b/c I’m supposed to be tough and all), I could use some company. Specifically, your company.
See this, more effort)

TC: I do not know what I am doing as of this moment, I am probably going to happy hour like I always do but there were a bunch of people going out tonight so I do not know.
If I do not go out it(because of basketball in the morning) then I would def go by the house and hang. I would have to leave early in the morning from your house or mine either way.
(WTF... didn't HE just say that WE could hang out tonight or did i miss a part of that conversation?)

Me: Hmm. Ok. Well I’ve got some buddies in town this weekend so I might hang out with them tonight and maybe you and I can hang out another time this weekend. But give me a call when you’re done with your stuff. I won’t know for sure what my plans are till later this evening.

TC: alright tough girl

WTF!!

Yeah - you know what. DAMN RIGHT. You can't go re-nigging on a freaking offer to hang out and honestly expect me to be like "ok, well I'll sit at home and wait for you to call" In the words of Damon Wayans..."Homey don't play that"...

So yeah, I am the tough girl and it's shit like that that reminds me why I play the tough girl...

Too busy for stability

2008-02-08T07:08:00.001-08:00

So I've come to a point where The Comedian and I need to have a discussion but I have no idea how to approach it. I'm starting to get really busy with work and dance and coaching and now helping my sis with her bakery stuff so I'm lacking on the "free time" and I basically need to know if he's in this or not because I don't really feel like wasting my free time on someone who won't be around for the long haul. I know it's a lot to expect him to committ to me this soon and frankly I'm not sure I really want to do the whole committment thing but what I do want to know is if he's in or if he's out.

I don't have time for emotions right now..

I do have time for laughter, someone who wants to spend time together and someone who can allow me to escape from my stresses. I don't have time for someone who doesn't know how to call back or only wants to see me when it's convenient for them.

I don't need to know if he wants to marry me or if he loves me, those things come with time. What I am asking is if he wants to put in the effort or not because if he's not ready or not sure then it's best to end this now and not have to deal with the emotion later on when I'm so overwhelmed that I just have a full on breakdown... I'll save that for when I'm able to take a couple days off work.

On a side note - I no longer have a roommate.

Love in the form of music

2008-02-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

I've been surrounded by music because of dance for so long that I cannot imagine a life without it. Music, unlike love, has the ability to know exactly what to say in every situation.

Think about it.

There is a song in your playlist that seems to fix every issue in your life. A song, that once you hear it, makes you realize that everything will be ok. You always hear about people who thank artists for their music because it got them through some really hard times. Dancers can appreciate music because they can move to express their feelings to every song. A little lyrical for those sad times, a little modern for the angry times, a little jazz for the happy times and a little hip hop for the days when you just want to bust out. But you don't have to be a dancer to appreciate it...Music is the one thing that will always be universal, it's been the way to express ourselves since damn near the beginning of time.

People have songs that define their relationships, The Wedding Song.
Songs that define their being, The Theme Song.
Songs that define their previous relationships, The Ex Song.
Etc.

Hell, I even use to have Myspace song wars with an ex of mine. We never actually had to have a discussion on how we were feeling b/c our song on our page expressed it for us. Stupid? Yes. Proves my point? Also yes.

Music is the one that that will always make me happy. When I have no one in my life music remains, it will never leave me. It will always be there for me. When I need it. No questions asked. No stupid comments. It just plays, on repeat if I should ask of it.

It loves me and I love it and forever our relationship will continue exactly like that. I never have to question whether it loves me or where our relationship is going because I always know. I have Love. In the form of Music.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2008-01-31T06:10:00.001-08:00

The Comedian asked me last night

"If you could have the ideal life right now what would it be? What would you change?"

I thought about it and my response was simple. I might change my job and maybe add a couple people to my life but other than that, I'm pretty content in my life how it is, I wouldn't change anything. Here's my philosophy on that whole thing. I've come to the understanding that I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing to learn what I'm suppose to learn at this point in my life. Wishing I had more money or a different car or a bigger house doesn't make me happy. Being happy with what I have and who I have in my life makes me happy.

I've never been about money, maybe cause I never grew up with it... when I moved to Texas my mother worked 3 jobs to support my sister and I. We lived with my Uncle for years after my father decided to jump ship and until my mom met my step-dad she struggled and we lived simple. In fact, I've always lived simply. I wore shoes from Payless, clothes from Wal-mart and JC Penny and I was ok with it until the kids at school made fun of me for it which is why I have a tendency to cringe when people think that money is everything. Yes, we eventually moved into a nice house and had nicer things but my mother never let that change my point of view on things. I don't look down on those who don't have money nor do I look up to those who do.

We are all put in situations at the exact moment that we should be so that we learn the lessons we are suppose to. It's up to us to decide whether we are happy with what we are given or whether we fight to change the course of our lives.

I will never be dissatisfied with the things that I have worked for but I will never be completely content because there are always better opportunities along the way we just have to choose the one that we think is best for this particular time in our lives.

In case you were wondering...

2008-01-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

I've never been in love with anyone, ever. I haven't cried over someone in 3 years b/c after that relationship I put my heart away where no one could reach it. When I say I don't care, I really don't. I don't understand people with co-dependency issues. I don't understand people who have a fear of commitment (me). I'm afraid that I will be alone forever because I refuse to open up to anyone.

I'm tired of people I date going back to their ex-girlfriends. I'm tired of being "that" girl.

I'm smarter and more talented than my boss but I don't leave my job b/c I don't want to start over somewhere else.

I keep myself as busy as I am b/c I don't ever want to feel lonely.

I'm afraid of the dark. I love the rain. I love water. I'm good at lying. I'm obsessed with sneakers.

Somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit

2008-01-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Comedian is slightly M.I.A at this point. We chat casually now, I don't feel anything from him anymore which should tell me that it's probably best to drop it and move on however I'm just not sure I even care enough to do that. He told me to call him last night again when I was on my way to rehearsal so I did and he didn't answer and he never called back. Then I even went out of my norm and sent him a "Good Morning" text message. No reply.

Somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit. Maybe it's because I know guys like him, maybe it's because I know guys like him never really want anything serious or committal, which is fine because I knew that going in but I guess a little tiny part of me wanted to be able to finally find someone I could trust, talk to and spend time with. I also should've known that it probably wouldn't work when he couldn't understand my dance stuff and makes fun of the fact that I'm a b-girl. I get it that it's not the norm of the average white girl, or any girl for that matter but I don't judge him b/c his parents still handle his finances or the fact that he doesn't have money or that he's OCD because I've never been one to judge people for anything.

Apparently I have a penis...

2008-01-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesnt believe, and leaves before she is left. - Marylin Monroe

On so many levels this is true. While watching football and discussing relationships last night with some friends I had my friend tell me I had a penis because I think like a man when it comes to relationships and frankly, I do. I won't deny that fact. It's because I'm logical, not emotional. Rational, not bi-polar. But why is it that girls are characterized by emotion, irrationality and craziness and men are considered the logical ones?

Here's the deal. I have worked my ass off to have the things that I have and the things that I do. I have never needed a man to help me with any of it so why should I depend on one now?? Why does my "I can do it myself" attitude mean that I think like a man. I don't believe that just because I'm dating someone we are "together" unless there is an acutal conversation that occurs, which I by the way will never initiate. I just don't care honestly. I haven't put emotion into a relationship in 3 or 4 years. I just don't see the point. If it's going to end anyway then I'd rather it end w/o me having to cry to friends and question what I did wrong. I know I kick ass and someone who actually wants to be with me will understand that I'm not emotional and I'm always busy and they will always come second to my dance stuff.

I shouldn't have to make excuses for myself and why I want to travel the world BEFORE I get married (if ever) or have kids (if ever). And I HATE it when people tell me I'm bitter or jaded. No, I'm not. I just know what I want out of life and I know that I can provide it for myself instead of waiting on someone who can provide it for me...why is that so difficult for people to understand.

The Comedian is starting to show some signs of improvement but i'm still iffy about the whole situation. I don't really trust him still and it'll probably take a while for me to trust him. We don't have a committiment to each other and I've been doing my thing too so I probably won't feel secure in anything that we have until he has "THAT" conversation with me and even then, I'm not sure what I'll say. We have certain agreements which we both respect but other than that, we're both free and have no obligations to each other. AND these are HIS words so why would I think or act any different that what HE said from day one...

All this because my friend told me I have a penis b/c I think like a man...

Sometimes I want to punch people... in the face.

2008-01-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

You ever have one of those days where you just feel like pretending you don't have a filter on your mouth??

So I was coming back from lunch yesterday and I always take the stairs cause, hey, it's one effing flight...why not..

Apparently the fat chick walking up the stairs in front of me with her double-double, french fries and frostie from Wendy's wasn't in the mood to be a considerate person cause she didn't hold either door for me even though I was at that length behind her where it would have made sense to just hold the door. And what I wanted to say was "If your arm's to heavy to hold up long enough to hold the door for someone you could just use your ass, it's big enough to hold off a Mack truck." Yes, I know that for so many reasons this is wrong but what the deuce happpened to being nice to each other. Does it really take that much effort to hold open a door or say thank you or smile at someone when you pass them on the street? Gimme and effing break.

Sometimes I just want to punch people...in the face.

This is what's wrong with our society. Somewhere along the way we stopped giving a shit about our fellow man. The amazing part about it all is that for a short time after 9/11 we were all about each other... helping those in need, caring for those who lost people, going out of our way to "Stand Together" as a country and somehow years later we are back into our usual ways. Why is it that it takes us as a country
losing 2 major NY structures, thousands of people dying and a threat on U.S. soil for us to stand together as one? OH! And don't get me started on the whole "freedom fries" thing. Jezus effing Christo. Seriously, how immature are we.

"You know what France! Since you didn't side with us on the war we are no longer going to acknowledge that you exist as a country. Anything that has the word France, French or anything of the sort will now be "freedom."
Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast, etc." Seriously, are we all still in fucking middle school?

One. Fries are actually more of a Belgian creation than a French one so there goes stupid mistake number one. Two. The French don't give a shit. They hate us anyway. I'm sure when they heard that we weren't going to use their country as a name for anything they all said something like this "Finally. Shit. We've been waiting for this day."

Get off your effing high horse. You aren't better than anyone else, no matter what you think. We all breath the same air. We all live in the same country.

Sometimes I want to punch people...in the face.

Horoscope Scmoroscope

2008-01-16T08:48:00.001-08:00

Play it cool today, even if you're going nuts inside. Don't let on for a minute you're crazy about this person -- clinginess turns them off. Allow things to play out naturally. They'll come around, then watch the sparks fly.

So the closer I get to "relationship" status with The Comedian the more I want to turn and run the other way as if I were the only smart person in any Jason/Freddie movie. You know, cause all the stupid ones die...I don't want to die. Plus, who actually keeps their heels on when they're running from a killer. Not me. I'll tell ya that. Both are getting thrown at the ax wielding murderer.

This is why I am not like most girls. I don't really want a relationship. Sure I like the companionship, don't get me wrong, The Comedian makes me laugh more than any guy I've ever met but it's the simple fact that being in a relationship comes with certain responsibilites that I just don't know if I'm ready for. I'm bad at relationships. Really. Really. Bad. As in "don't tell me what to do." bad. I think it's that whole, I'm done dating other people for the remainder of this relationship thing that freaks me out. And, I know that if you really like someone you should be ok with those things but I think I get a case of what I like to call the "Relationship-er's remorse." Similar to Buyers Remorse, minus the actual exchange of money, unless your relationship involves monetary exchanges and at that point you're either a prostitute or a mail order bride.

So yeah, Relationship-er's remorse. The excitment of the research on your new "product", the commitment to buying it and then the feelings of what the hell did I just do after you get it home and realize that you actually wanted it in green, not fuschia. I know it's silly but that's what goes on in my head. And then there's a fear that someone else will see your purchase and want it from you and steal it from you. Irrational? Yes. I never denied that I'm slightly irrational at times.

Another time, another place

2008-01-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

So The Comedian and I hung out last night and despite how much I don't want to like him, we have a great time when we hang out which is why he's "The comedian."

Things are going, well... slow. Which I am all for because frankly, I don't trust him much. We got into a conversation about high school (which I hated) and reunions (which I'm not going to) and then somehow it moved to conversations about where I'm from (Indiana) and why we moved here (I was 8, and unless I wanted to live on the streets it was cowboy boots and horses for me). For someone who doesn't really want to be in a relationship he sure is asking intimate questions about my life. I realize that there's a phase where you get to know each other however it's limited to simple questions such as "What are your parents names" "Do you have any siblings" "What's your favorite color" "Ice Cream or gelato"... You get the idea. Delving into my private life is not a privilege I give to people that are just in my life for the time being. It gives you too much insight to my life which gives you too much leverage on my life.

We then get into why I didn't like high school and he vows that he will find a pic of me in high school... the only pics I have of me in HS are in the yearbook AND at my parents house. To which he replies "3 months"... wtf? 3 months what?? Unless we're talking about the gestation period for leopards I have no idea to what you are referring... Meeting my parents is not in the schedule of our relationship. In fact. We don't have a schedule therefore please stop planning or scheming or whatever it is that he's doing.

Our "relationship" consists of watching Family Guy, making really off-the-wall jokes, talking about work and other life things and sex. That's it.

Apple Sauce and Ham

2008-01-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the title has nothing to do with the post but it's what came to mind... considering I'm wearing my helmet and velcro shoes today be glad it even makes slight sense.

So an update on The Comedian: He called. This past Saturday as I'm eating (at 11:30 pm) with Ash my phone rings, and it's him. So I answer, and after the how are you's I get, "well, give me a call later I guess" You guess? Ok, I'll put that on my "things I'd really like to do" list right next to Root Canal.

Then I get a text at 2am which states "I'd really like to talk to you. Call me when you have a chance to talk" After a few text exchanges later I tell him I'll call him tomorrow. Well we agree to speak Sunday night. Mind you I haven't talked to him since Wed and frankly never planned on talking to him again but I agreed to hear what he had to say. Long story short he had a "moment of clarity" which I will spare you the details because I want to spare ME the details.

MOMENT OF CLARITY!!??

You mean you realized the big deal you made earlier isn't really a big deal? Cool, thanks for letting me know. He also asked me if he hadn't of called if I would have. Let me think about that one...I'm gonna go with no... Not only No but Never in a million years, no. So now we're back in the Non-Dating, Dating phase...back in Limbo. Again. Yay. Excuse me while I don my party hat and kazoo and dance around the living room... So back to square one with The Comedian. That's ok, I still have The Foreign Lover and The Firefighter but that's a different post. If I could just get The Foreign Lover to show some interest back I'd be golden...maybe I just need to get a great tan and become exotic, I'll work on it.

Oh and on top of that I ran into some people I went to high school with and one of them preceded to call me a "Late Bloomer." Which was just his way of saying "Wow, you look great, I haven't seen you in 10 years and look at me, I'm a fat cow." Effing bastards.

I'm out!

In-Limbo, Dating and the After-Life

2008-01-04T09:02:00.001-08:00

So after having a few days to ponder the situation with The Comedian I've decided that although it was a little presumtious of me to assume that he should've returned my called out of respect, the "being in the "In-Limbo" stage" entitles him NOT to have that obligation. However, I will revert back to the word. Respect. This is a simple 7-letter word that even has it's own song (Hats off to you Ms Aretha Franklin!). Now whether we demand it or expect it is a different story.

This In-Limbo phase will forever get us girls in trouble. I, in no way, was expecting a relationship out of The Comedian however I do demand a little bit of consideration considering I was making a call that HE asked me to make...only seems slightly unfair and a little rude that he got mad at me for being short because he never returned it... Kind of Alanis Morrisette irony don't ya say?

This is the part of Non-Dating, Dating delimma. At what point in this phase can we expect that people do what they say or call us out of consideration? One week? One month? 3 sleep-overs later? I will be the first to admit that I hate "the talk", you know, the one where you establish what both parties are looking for, where the relationship is going and what you think about each other. In fact, the thought of that talk makes me want to crawl under my desk in hopes that he won't know I'm here. Not because I don't want to know what the other person has to say but because I despise talking about my feelings. I just want someone to automatically know that although I like you it's highly likely that this will not last because I have a fear of committment so great that it's suprising I wear the same shirt all day. I'm not very good with emotions. As in I haven't cried over a boy in YEARS. But don't cry for me Argentina, I'm ok with this. No need to plan the pity party venue for me, I've actually had a chance to figure out who I am and what I want out of life which is why it doesn't really bother me that The Comedian probably won't call next week as he said he would.

I'm just looking for someone who thinks it's just considerate to return a phone call, or a text message, hell... I'll even take a noogie...

Welcome to 2008, it'll be a doozy

2008-01-02T07:37:00.001-08:00

So my 2008 began with a day of trying to piece together what happened the night before. The definite are as follows: Too much alcohol, a lost purse, no shoes and sleeping on the cushions of a pull out sofa, the rest I'm leaving to hear se...

This I also learned, you should always follow your gut when it comes to men and relationships... Even though your head or heart may tell you something women have an innate ability to know in their gut when something isn't right, we just usually are too stubborn to listen to it.
After "hanging out" with someone for the past couple of weeks I've learned that no matter how much you try to hide them, feelings come out when you least expect them or want them to. But then again, it all happens for a reason. One word: NEXT

I've never been a huge fan of New Years Resolutions however seeing as how this year began with such a bang I'll create some for kicks:

1) Know when to walk away from situations that aren't working. Whether it be relationships, work or friendships.

2) Spend more time travelling and being the best me that I can possibly be. On a side note, I need a travel partner, let me know if you're interested

3) Spend time with people that make me happy and laugh

4) Spend more time with my puppies since they love me regardless of whether I have a mild lapse in judgement in a drunken stupor and say stupid things.

Do what you love...

2007-12-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

I heard something really profound the other day and thought This applies to me.

"I don't believe relationships are about compromise. You should do what you love and then find someone who gets their greatest pleasure in seeing you that way"

Some of you probably won't agree with this and will give the "relationships take work and compromise" speech but how many people have put their lives on hold to compromise in a relationship only to have it NOT work? Too many to count.

I love to laugh, travel, dance, be with friends, run, play with my dogs and ride shopping carts through the store... why should I have to give up or reduce the amount of time I spend doing the things I love to make someone else happy? Aren't I then taking away from my happiness? Why not find someone who appreciates you for the things you love and someone who understands that those things have made you the person they are in love with?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't compromise b/c that's life but compromise shouldn't be the MAIN factor of your relationship. If both people are extremely happy with their lives in and out of the relationship then it will be THAT much better.

Companion vs. Boyfriend

2007-11-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

OK - now some people may not think that there is a difference but ask anyone who has actually been in relationships, dated and just "hung out" with people and they will tell you there is a difference, and a BIG one.

Definitions:
boyfriend (plural boyfriends)
A male partner in a non-marital romantic relationship.

companion (plural companions)
a friend, acquaintance, or partner; someone with whom one spends time or keeps company

Already we can see that a companion does not necessarily mean that you are in any way in a romantic relationship...

Commitment:
Boyfriend: You are in a relationship and he is Committed, 100% (unless he cheats and then you should just dump him). He is yours and only yours for the duration of the relationship.

Companion: There is no relationship status and there is no commitment. This is a person with whom you casually hang out with maybe to have coffee, go to the museum, talk about life, etc.

Obligations
Boyfriend He is obligated to get you presents on holidays and your birthday. Comfort you when you are upset, rub your feet when you've had a long day, send you flowers when you need a pick me up, buy you chicken soup when you're sick, blah blah, you get the idea.

Companion Is not obligated to do any of the above except listen to you when you've had a bad day. He is not obligated to buy flowers, or presents or any of the above. He is strictly meant to keep you company occasionally and venture out to places if you both have time.

Intimacy
Boyfriend
No holds barred, do/try/say everything. Sex is a big part of this relationship

Companion
Stick to the basics and either you add the sex element or you don't and if you don't it's not a big deal. This is not a booty call situation.

Now whether you agree with this or not is your own opinion but this is and will remain to be my opinion on the subject.

Pseudo-boyfriends

2007-10-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

Having Pseudo-boyfriends is like test driving a car for a couple of weeks and being able to give it back if you don't like it. There's no commitment to it but you get to do all the things that you would normally do if it was your car to keep. You can take it on long trips, drive it around as you please bang it up a little, etc.

But when they start freaking out on you is it time to jump ship or just stand back and let them calm down? I recently had a pseudo ask what I'd do if I got pregnant. Well I'd obviously become a crack whore and sell my baby on the street for heroin... DUH. Seriously? Why, if we are being careful, is he even asking this question? Then he proceeds to complicate things by making ME feel bad for him freaking out. Look, dude, you're a pseudo for a reason which is that I don't want a boyfriend, I just want a warm body in my bed every now and then without having to be all "Samantha-like", got me? I don't want a relationship as much as the next hormonally raging male but a little comfort in my 2 minutes of downtime isn't too much to ask for. A Girl has Needs too.

Now quit being a girl and man up...

Who I am...

2007-10-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

I will forever be the girl who can't sleep without the tv on...
I will forever be the girl who will dance anytime, anyplace
I will forever be the girl who loves that I have boyfriends that are only 4 years old
I will forever be the girl who thinks that marriage is overrated nowadays
I will forever be the girl who thinks peanut butter banana sandwiches are a good late night snack
I will forever be the girl who jumps on the bed
I will forever be the girl who will do anything to make my friends laugh even if I've had the worst day ever
I will forever be the girl who laughs at the most inappropriate times.
I will forever be the girl who would rather ask for forgiveness than permission.
I will forever be the girl who knows where everything is even in the chaos.
I will forever be the girl who can make a mean cheese quesadilla
I will forever be the girl who could kiss for hours.
I will forever be the girl who dances in the elevator when alone.
I will forever be the girl who pretends to be brave.
I will forever be the girl who believes she has someone watching over her
I will forever be the girl who believes that she was meant for bigger things
I will forever be the girl who wishes that love was something that she could understand.
I will forever be the girl who hides.
I will forever be the girl who daydreams.
I will forever be the girl who laughs at EVERYTHING
I will forever be the girl who doesn't take her own advice.
I will forever be the girl who flirts.
I will forever be the girl who says 'please' and 'thank you'.
I will forever be the girl who knows that her mother is the smartest woman on the planet
I will forever be the girl who can keep a secret.
I will forever be the girl who enjoys ANYTHING made with chocolate
I will forever be the girl who could live off french fries and cake
I will forever be the girl who fixes crooked pictures
I will forever be the girl who secretly avoids mirrors.
I will forever be the girl who wishes she was prettier
I will forever be the girl who runs when someone starts to get close
I will forever be the girl who tears up when she sees good deeds
I will forever be the girl who cleans in heels.
I will forever be the girl who can play a mean game made up word scrabble
I will forever be the girl who wouldn't change a thing
I will forever be the girl who doesn't waste time on things that don't work
I will forever be the girl who is thankful for her family
I will forever be the girl who knows that there's a time and a place for everything
I will forever be the girl who knows that everything happens for a reason
I will forever be the girl who knows that karma exists and she sucks
I will forever be the girl who laughs in the face of danger, as long as I'm wearing my cape.
I will forever be the girl who talks to God.
I will forever be the girl who strives to prove you wrong.
I will forever be the girl who refuses to date someone if his friends suck
I will forever be the girl who would rather listen to music than watch TV
I will forever be the girl who tests.
I will forever be the girl who is searching for the guy who will love her because of all these things… not in spite of them.

The Queen has spoken...a letter to my boss

2007-10-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

...Now CYA before she throws you under the bus.

Dear Director of HR (a.k.a. Cuntzilla)

For the last year I have dealt with your paranoia and selfish work ethic. I like that you take credit for my good work and blame things on me when you eff up. I enjoy walking into work every day wondering if I'm going to have to kill you or not, it keeps me on my toes. Some women are just not meant for management roles and you, are one of them. I am all about breaking the glass ceiling and equal rights but you just make the rest of us look bad. Stop effing crying just because someone critizised you and stop blaming your mistakes and lack of communication on me before I shove that stapler in your eye. Our workers compensation insurance doesn't cover that...Have you noticed that no one wants to talk to you? Really? You must be either completely oblivious or completley naive, or just a bitch... I'm going with a combo of all 3. I also like how you talk to everyone like they are 3 years old, you know since we work in an office with a bunch of people who hold Master's degrees, and such. You are the reason that people in the work place kill themselves or their co-workers. You wouldn't know what the word "Mentor" meant if YOU wrote the definition. I would say it's been a pleasure working with you but then I would be lying, kind of like the time you told everyone you told me to do something but somehow "forgot to send me the email". Yeah, so good luck with everything... or maybe I should save the good luck for your next assistant. If you would like to say goodbye on your last day you can find me jumping on my desk and celebrating ...

Summer

1300 Lame Street

2007-10-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

So people are lame, basically. Having newly single friends means I'm going out at a pace that would make Paris Hilton tired... ok, maybe not Paris, but the other one that no one really knows, with the "fashion line". Paris's party habits are hard to immitate, one because I can't sleep till 1 pm everyday and two I don't want to be famous for absolutley nothing. Not that number two has anything to do with partying but the point still needs to be made... I mean really, I want to be famous for nothing, how cool would that be?

I digress. So Dallas has some of the lamest bars ever.
Below are the requirements to enter the bar located at 1300 Lame St.
Men: Be a complete douche, on coke.
Women: Be a complete stuck up bitch, on coke.

I didn't chose the bar we went to last night but went b/c there was a friend there. Lets just say the ratio of ages of Men to Women was seriously off balance. In fact, I think I saw my parents there and maybe even got a glimpse of my grandparents... Go home Nana, it's time to take your insulin shot.
Here's a way to know when you're too old - When you start wearing loafers to the bar. Get a bottle of scotch and some cigars and stay home...

Is this what our society has come to? Really?! 20-something chicks looking for older men to take care of them and 40-something old men looking for a 20-something chick to bang for a while? Great and dandy if it weren't for the 60+ years that we've been fighting to prove our independence and worth to the world. The makers of Viagra are somewhere partying and toasting this epidemic.

Back to the lameness. I find it humorous that girls think they are better than everyone else in a bar. I want to stop them and ask "you do realize we're in the SAME bar, right?" I have a short temper and low patience for this stupidity and it won't be long before someone's getting an inside kick to the face. But really, can we all please stop being so lame?

The Day after Never

2007-10-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Lets just say I feel sorry for the man that marries me. Not only will this person have to deal with me and my sarcastic mouth and occasional off the wall comments but they will have to deal with the fact that I pretty much am the last person in the world that my family think will get married. After a conversation with my sister about me singing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" at her wedding (don't ask, still don't know the reference) we got on to how the speeches would go at my wedding...

Which reminds me, save this date "The Day after Never at 10:00 am", it falls right after Hell Freezing Over.

So basically my sister's first words in her speech will go something like this... "Raise of hands of those who thought this day would never happen"... nice, huh? After a 10 minute conversation we decided that instead of actual speeches at my wedding it's going to be a Roast, which also reminds me, leave the kids at home. A Roast without cussing is like, well, it's lame.

Poor, Poor man. I think my friends will actually throw HIM a party for making it past the 3 month mark.

The story behind the title

2007-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

It went downhill after I learned to tie my shoes...

Is basically a testament to how independent I have become over the years which probably led to the fact that I am still single and refuse to let any man take care of me because then they have this thing with telling you what to do and I'm not a big fan of people (other than those that sign my paycheck) tell me what to do... you see where I'm going?

I am pretty much the I'll do it on my own and if I eff it up I'll call someone kinda chick... Although I'm not above calling an Uncle or father if my AC starts leaking water for no apparent reason. However, I will never ask a guy friend to do those things for me... weird, I know, but it's built on principal.

New at blogging

2007-08-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

After reading multiple blogs and realizing that there are some funny people out there, I have decided to post my own. Although I know mine won't be quite so humorous and I am awful at grammer and punctuation, I still think it would be funny to share the days in the life of me.

A little about me:
I'm 27, single, and live in Dallas... that should be enough said but I'll share some more details with you. Dallas is one big epicenter of single-ness, it's a "be seen" city which is cool for a while then becomes a beating after a while. Oh, and I make up words, I should probably throw that in there. As I've developed a "no emotion" policy on life I have also developed a serious sarcasm problem which has turned out to give me lots of material to work with...